I used to be a happy and carefree girl. I laughed heartily when it came jokes. I was surrounded with friends and I was so delighted and exuberant.
Sometimes, some people were envious at me for being so friendly and happy. But I just didn't even care about them because I lived in my own life, in my own shoes. I was happy outside but the truth is, I was lonely.
I had no brother, no sister, nobody was with me when I needed them the most. Even Emma, my best friend since middle high school, choose Sarah over me. I felt devastated when I knew that Emma abandoned me.
I had nobody. That's for sure, no lie.
My own father was always busy, as busy as a bee, with his mighty job. He had to go overseas on calls, every month. He would came home to see me just for a couple days or a week. It will never be enough for me. I need my father, more than anyone else. We used to be so close but that's in past. For him, his job was more important more than anything else. That's the main priority for him. Then, my mother was also like that, she was a talented designer, fashion designer. She was busy with her hectic life. She also a makeup artists.
Since we lost our precious one, everything had changed. Our life wasn’t the same anymore. There’s no more joy, laughter and happiness. Everything had changed. Her named was Lynn, and she was my twin sister. We lost her due to car accident and we can’t do anything to save her. Since then, we move away to another place.
In a matter of seconds, my life turned upside down. I thought when we were moved to another place, I could forget the pain I used to handle all this time. But the truth is, I can’t. I can’t bring back Lynn into my life. I cried all night. I want her back.
If I can turn back time, I want to replaced her. I can’t live without my twin sister. She meant a lot to me. She understands me more than my parents. She knew how to soothe my feelings when I cried. She knew me more than I do.
Lynn. Why it has to be you?
Until one day, I learnt to move on and keep moving forward. My life goes on just like that, almost a year. Boring and uninteresting.
Thus, that's why I used to pretend to be happy when I was with people. Sometimes I wanted to conceal my true feelings, but I don't want them to know my real life. If they knew, they might don’t care about it. I was being a hypocrite like a stupid girl but I loved to pretend that I was happy. That's so not me, for real.
Once, I used to hate my parents for leave me alone. I used to hate everyone. I had a trust issues because people come and go.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, as the saying goes. The truth is, I missed them so much. So much. No words could ever define it. No words could ever describe it.
No matter what, they were meant a lot to me.
Sometimes, I felt that I didn't even exist at all in their life. I was like an invisible girl.
Nobody saw me.
Nobody noticed me.
I was sighing.
I need someone to lend their everything when everything was falling apart.
I don't how to feel anymore. I don't even know what's kind of feelings I have. It's hard. Everything in chaos. I hate that.
Well, today is my birthday after all. Yay? My parents weren't around like usual, I know. It fine by me. They were too busy, it can’t helped. They were so busy that I couldn't handle it anymore. I should be strong and independent from now on.
This is my life. It just me, myself and I.
It had been a long day without them and I wanted to tell them about how I felt when I met them again. I had to say what was in my heart. I had to be honest to what I felt. Be comfort by lie is more painful than be attack by truth.
In the afternoon, I was going out as I needed to relax my mind from negative thoughts about myself. People kept waving at me, so did I. I smiled at them.
“Rin, have your parents home yet?” Asked Aunt Mimie.
“Not yet,” I smiled.
“I’m here for you. Anytime. You know about that right? So if you need me, just knock the door and I’ll be there for you.”
Aunt Mimie pats my head. She was cared a lot about me. She cared about us. Since we moved here, she’s the only one that always keep in touch with us. I love her, just like a mother of mine.
She walked by.
How I wished they knew about me, my real life. I said.
“Hey Rin! You're alone, again? Where's Emma?” asked Nathan as he walked in front of me.
“She's too busy to be disturb. How can you not know how your girlfriend is doing? How poor,” I laughed.
Nathan poked me.
Nathan. He was also my best friend since middle high school as we were in the same class. He also Emma's boyfriend, actually. He was a kind boy that used to care a lot about me. He was a pleasant and nice friend for me, listen to me whenever I need someone to talk. Lend a shoulder when I want to cry. He's a big brother to me, not more than that. I love him like a brother.
Lately, he always came to see me and I kept wondering why. I was astonished.
He said, “I was worried about you,”
Sometimes, I felt uncomfortable with his presence. It wasn't I dislike him, I just don't want any complications in my life. I had enough with my miserable and pathetic life.
“Do you have time?” He asked.
“I want to invite you to my house. My parents having a small party for my sister that will returned from Japan tonight. Will you be there?” He looked into my eyes deeply.
“I’m sorry, Nate. I just can’t,”
“Why? You didn’t have anything to do right? All you do is stay home alone. Doing nothing. Come on, Rin.” He begged on my knees.
I pulled his hands, helped he to stand up.
“I just can’t. I’m sorry,”
When I walked away, Nathan shouted out loud.
“Well, happy birthday girl! Have a blast and be wiser, okay?” said Nathan, smiled.
My face suddenly turn red, I was ashamed. I can’t believe it. He remembered my birthday. I said thank you and just left him behind. I didn't want any misunderstanding to occur between him.
So, I went back home. Even, I want to spend time more with someone, but no one was here for me. I just don’t want my life goes complicated.
When the sun rose, I was thinking what my parents doing. Didn't they miss me? Are they doing well there? Are they already eat? I grabbed my cellphone and called my mother. But there was no answer. Like usual. So did my father too.
They are too busy. I shouldn't disturbed.
I was dejected. Seriously. It's truly hurt.
My heart hurts. My chest hurts, my eyes swollen. It was really hurt. I missed those moments that they used to spend time with me, no matter what. I missed everything.
I need them right now. I was crying. I was shivering.
“I miss you so much, Lynn. Why did you have to leave me so soon?”
I shed my tears-for-nothing.
“Be strong, Rin. I know you can face this,”
I could hear Lynn talking to me. I’m crying, I missed her so bad.
I went downstairs and walked straight to the kitchen. There was a cake on the table. Just a piece of cake with a candle on it. I bought it at the Yuna’s bakery. I was sitting and holding a spoon. I just stared the cake while thinking about my fate.
“What a bad luck. It had been almost ten years since I celebrated my birthday alone. Hm hi Rin! Happy birthday to you and stay strong,” I cried all over again.
I held a frame photo which contained us, my family. My mom, dad, Lynn and me. The tears rolling so fast that I couldn't stop it anymore.
All of a sudden, there was someone knocking the door harshly. The night was dark and mysterious. I was terrified being alone. It was almost midnight. I was scared yet ignored it.
“What's on the earth people come to my house in this late night?”
My father always remind me; ‘Always be cautious when someone knock the door especially in the night,’
So, I finished my cake and went upstairs. I locked the door and closed the curtain.
I called Emma. I told her there was someone knocking at my door. She asked me to calm down. She felt lazy to talk to me like, are we know each other? Her voice said it. I could tell.
“I'm sure it was nothing. Don’t worry,” she said.
“Why are you like this, Em?”
“What’re you talking about, Rin?”
“I thought we are best friend, Em. You’d changed, a lot.”
“I don’t know,”
I didn’t say anything, I just hang up. I was tired of being treat like a jerk.
I slept as I was very tired.
The next day, Nathan came. He said that he wanted to accompany me as I was alone. I told him about the previous night and he laughed.
“Did I scare you?”
I was liked “I’m going to make you pay for that,”
He was the one who scared me. I scolded him but he just laughed heartily. I can’t believe that he would do that to me.
He was a pleasant person. I was admired him for being that happy whenever he got a million problems. His face, so sweet. Sometimes I don't understand what he was trying to do, what was on his mind. He was so unpredictable. I wished that I could read his mind. He brought me bouquet of chocolates as my birthday’s present. I was very thankful for having him in my life.
Emma saw us out of the blue, she was scolded us and cried. I wondering why.
"Emma? What's wrong?" I asked.
"Is this what you called friend? Best friend? How could you betray me Rin! Stop making that innocent face! It's irritating. Argh I hate you!" She ran away. Nathan ran after her.
I was shocked. It was like in movie. Totally. Everything seemed empty, yet in chaos.
Huh, what did I do? I didn't understand what was happening.
Since that incident, they're no longer came to see me. But I was totally alright with that.
I lied. I missed them.
Everyday, I called her. But there’s no answer, only voice mail. I texted every hour, but there’s no reply from her. I missed her, seriously. So, I went to her house. I knocked the door, she opened the door. She doesn’t even looked at my face. I bet she probably hate me now.
“Come in,” she said.
I walked into her house and sat on the sofa. It was very comfy. Emma sat in front of me and she hugged herself. She doesn’t even looked at my face. I brought the smiled to her, but like usual, she doesn’t even care about that. She doesn’t smiled back.
I just smiled. I took away a gift that I brought from home. I bought it yesterday. I want to reconciled with her. I can’t stand fight with her. I loved her as much as I loved my late twin sister, Lynn.
“This is for you,” I gaved to her.
Emma didn’t take it so I just put it on the table. I tried to start a conversation so we won’t feel awkward.
I sighed. I tried again.
“How was your university? Everything’s okay?” I asked.
“How’s Sarah? Is she treat you right?”
“She treat me better than you. She don’t stabbed me at the back. She won’t laughed with my boyfriend. She won’t make me cry like you did, Rin.”
“Em, you knew it was just a misunderstanding.”
“I don’t know what will happen if Sarah didn’t tell me that you were with Nathan. You knew he’s my boyfriend. You ruined everything, Rin. I was break-up with him because of you.”
“She told you?”
“Just get out. Don’t you ever let me see your face. From today, we are not friend.”
Emma dragged me and pulled me away from her house. She shut the door. I knocked it, but Emma won’t opened it. I cried.
As time passed, I walked home. I knew from the moments I walked away, we aren’t friend anymore.
Emma shut me out.
At night, Nathan called me. I knew he will knew what was happened today. I ignored it. I just want to be alone.
On Saturday, I got a called that my father would came back home. I was full of the joys to pick and meet him.
I called Emma, yet, she kept shouting at me. She blamed on me in everything. I just want to bring her with me because my parents always reminding me for not drive alone but...
"Just go! Don’t you listen what I just said, you’re not my friend! Just go die!" Emma shouted.
I felt so harrowing.
“Emma. Are we still friend? Are we still good? Aren't we still gonna be good? Do you even miss me a bit? Cause I missed you so much. Come back. Don't leave me alone.”
“Are you deaf? We’re not friend,”
“Emma, thanks for being my friend all this while. If I hurt you, I am so sorry. Can I ask you something?” I asked.
She didn’t said anything.
“If one day I will dissapear or die without saying goodbye, what will you do?” I said in soft tone.
“I don't care anymore about you! Just go die!”
Emma just hang up. She ignored me. I was giggled yet cried. I knew she lied.
I missed how cute she was. How broken she was. She such a cute crybaby. I missed the time when she won a singing competition and she looked me first. She hugged me tightly and said, “Thanks to you I won this. I love you,” that's the most honest words that I got from her since then. I missed her so badly.
Emma closed her locker. She walked through her class but Sarah blocked her way. Sarah looked at her with an annoying face.
“What’s wrong, Sarah?”
Sarah pushed Emma until she fell.
“Sarah, what’s wrong with you?”
“You know what, Emma. I’d enough already,”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m tired pretending to be your friend. You know why? Because I hate you and of course I hate Rin the most,”
“Why, Sarah” Emma cried.
“Why? Of course, I want to make you guys fighting. I want you to hate Rin and seems like I did it. Good luck with your Rin. Bye,”
Emma gush. Emma can’t stop crying. Finally, the truth had revailed.
Without wasted my precious time, I walked to my car and drove to the airport alone, without a company. I put away my cellphone as it rang. Nathan’s named were on the screen.
My feelings was mixed. Everything was in chaos. I felt so devastated, I cried and cried. I can't stop thinking about her. I loved her but that was in past. She already had said to me that I am no longer her best friend. I cried and cried all over again.
I love everyone. I can't afford of losing them. I need them. I need them the most. Mama. Papa. Em. Nate. I need you guys the most. I can't stop this tears. I really need to stop being so crybaby.
Please Rin, stop it!
In the blink of an eye, my car collided with a lorry. It all happened so sudden. It wasn't a coincidence, it wasn't.
Is this my punishment? A punishment for me? For being stubborn?
Mama. Papa. Em. Nate. Where are you? Where were you when I need you the most?
I couldn't feel my both leg. I couldn't feel anything at first. Minutes later, it started to feel so painful. It's really painful. It's hurt. Truly hurt, like my heart was hurting and kept hurting.
“Help...” I couldn't shouted out loud.
I saw people surrounding my car. They tried to help me out from the car. It was so hurt.
My leg! It's stucked!
I don't know what happened then. I was sent to the hospital as my condition was terrible and about to die. I had learnt from my stubbornness.
But it's too late now.
Papa came. Mama came. Emma came. Nathan came.
Everybody was in the hospital to visit me. I felt grateful. I heard everybody's voice, they were crying. I was in comma for this one long month.
“She is dying. I am sorry. I can't help her anymore. We just leave this to God,” Doctor Edmund told my parents.
“No! It can't be like this! Rin! Wake up! Don't just sleep, I need you!” Emma shouted her heart out. She shook my body.
I heard everybody crying. Argh! They still love me. They still care me about me. Now, I know.
Emma was the one who couldn't stop crying. She regretted it.
“Rin, I knew I was wrong. Sarah lied to me. She’s nothing. She’s a liar. You’re the only one that could understand me. Please, Rin. I need you to be strong. Stay alive! I love you, I swear to God that you’re the only best friend that I ever had.” Emma cried, again.
Emma, if I could tell you how much I love you. It’s okay now, Emma.
Mama too. I am so sorry for being such a disobedient girl. I am sorry for being so ungrateful, unfaithful, stubborn, stupid and idiot.
“There is no use crying over a spilt milk,” Nathan said to Emma.
He held Emma's shoulder. Emma hugged Nathan as she need someone to lean on. She cried and cried. I heard her. She's still cute even she cried so ugly. Emma said sorry for being so cruel to me, treated me rudely.
It's okay Emma, I don't care. You're all I want. I smiled.
I felt a warm hug from her, mama and papa.
“How could you leave me so soon!” Mama grabbed my hand so tightly.
She kissed my cheeks and forehead again and again. It's so sweet. Mama, I love you.
If only you could hear what I want to said. My time had came. I let my last breath away and tetttt. My heart stopped beating.
“Rin!!” People shouted and cried.
Mama hugged me like she won't let me go.
“I’m sorry darling for leave you,” Mama said.
Papa? Did you had anything to say to me?
He just pretending to be strong. His eyes. So teary. He's so strong, I adored Papa so much.
I love you Papa. I love you Mama. I love you Emma. I love you Nathan.
Thanks for taking good care of me. I am going to leave them although it is not what I wish. People never have to care and worry about me anymore. They could just forget about me.
I’m sorry. I love you guys. Goodbye.
I remember my papa and mama's advice to never drive alone but I did it anyway. I broke the rules. Now, I couldn't see them again, ever. I will miss them and wish that they will forget me, soon. No matter how much I regret my failure of listening to mama's advice. It is already too late. I realise that it is no use crying over spilt milk.
“It’s okay, darling. I let you go. Go and meet Lynn. She’s up there, waiting for you.” Said Papa.
Papa hugged Mama tightly. Nathan hugged Emma too. I smiled.
“Let’s go, Rin.” Lynn invited me.
“I love you guys,” I said. I wish that they could heard me.
I held her hand and we went to somewhere together.